I sat at my desk listening to the voices around me. It was Monday once again and the office was filled with conversation about the weekend.
Peter fell over and smashed his face on a kerb trying to eat a pizza, Donna stayed up all night wiping her children’s shit and puke every half an hour whilst trying to reach level one million on Candy Crush and poor old Rachael went to her mums for Sunday dinner but because she has IBS she only managed a couple of Yorkshire puddings and a bit of beef because otherwise it would of gone straight through her. Now that’s what i call a rush!
As for me, I watched a series on Netflix about murder and treated myself to a takeaway on Friday and even Saturday, I didn’t leave the house and wore zero make-up. Cleaned up did the laundry as usual and downed a few beers on the Friday night. No hangover on the Sunday and a microwave dinner for one in the evening, I wasted two outfits by getting up and changed – but nobody likes a slob lets be honest. Yes, that’s right I am a loner. A bitter, miserable 26 year old with a shitty under paid job and the only friends that I have are the ones I see every hour at the coffee machine, Monday to Friday. Whilst everyone shares memories on Social media, I share selfie’s so it looks like I do have a day planned because let’s be honest nobody has a smokey eye at ten in the morning and not go out. Keeps people wondering you know? It helps when I actually get to see my friends once every month and share those odd moments and check ins, without those I would really be a lost cause. Don’t forget to hashtag your shit on Instagram, your feed is basically pointless and Andrew who is a photographer living in New Zealand and Jessica an American MUA won’t be able to double tap.
By 9:00AM the team leader had already told us the plan for today and quite frankly I never actually listen, I nod and smile as it’s the same thing everyday. A quick brief on how we all are and if any of the previous weeks drama is still lingering and ruining the mood, a few puns and bad jokes from the team leader and her kiss arse, then a quick refresh on whether or not we are okay doing these tasks even though we do them every single day and probably will until we are dead. Nobody has filled up the biscuit box for a week so looks like i won’t be able to dunk anything in my Tea for a quick boost. I really don’t understand why anyone actually dislikes Monday’s, what is it about this day that is so vile? Is the weekend too short and we know full well on a Sunday that we are back again repeating ourselves for a pittance. Those that work weekends, well lets be honest your just screwed.
I log on as usual go into the companies system and begin to stare at the screen for a few hours before a quick break. Though the flexibility of being able to just get up if your thirsty is quite good but your practically a zombie for most of the day and if your lucky enough to get someone interesting sit next to you, your life is fucked. Thankfully, the whole team is a barrel of laughs and the girl next to me is the kind of person I would want as my best friend out of work but bonding takes time at work if you want that kind of relationship or is it just me? She’s down to earth and understands my humour – Common in a good way so I don’t have to worry about whether I look like a princess or not to fit in. But if your me and your the shadow at work you are basically baby in the corner and will always remain in the corner. I have basically been in this spot all of my life, I could of leaked my own sex tape and people would still be giving Kim K’s a thumbs up.
– And if you’ve ever met someone at work who’s known as that weird guy but you kind of try and get to know them because you need to give them the benefit of the doubt or if I am honest, you want to see how weird he actually is. That one with the weird smirk who once has had a few drinks down him, tells you in his sensual tone how pretty you are, adds you on Facebook and messages you by calling you babe and wants to get to know you. Yes, that guy. – He gets more attention than me.
Now I am pretty sure it’s because I’m not a slut, I don’t flaunt myself in conversation and I just don’t have that natural ability to sound interesting but also eager to put it in my mouth. So whilst I talk about the normal topics it’s boring, but when Sandra talks her arse begins to stick out and she’s licking her lips about how her boiler broke and can’t get it fixed until the following weekend.
I’ve tried to flick my hair but it somehow tangles itself because of the length and thickness, I have even tried to brush it to the side with my fingers but after so many times doing that it begins to look greasy. If a man speaks to me, I’ve tried doing the biting of the lip and look interested at what he’s saying but I end up with dry lip skin on my tongue and the pocket size Vaseline starts to get smothered all over my face. You can only save so many Pins on Pinterest on how to flirt and get a man or in my case how to get anyone to even say hi but when your sounded by people who look at your boobs without even saying how nice they are, I very much doubt I will be getting a Hello any time soon.
As for Monday’s, who actually does any work? Now that I have been given today’s work load, which I have to make last me all day, the friends I do have here during the week I will probably spend emailing with random song lyrics and emoji’s. Also, I work in an office – Someone is always sleeping with someone and I love gossip especially when it’s happening to someone that sits right next to you.
“Alex, I’ve sent you an email about my weekend. Keep it hush.”
And so it begins, I’m Alex the office gossip addict with no life. On the other hand, i love giving advice to people and being helpful. When it comes to giving men advice I can’t help but just say “ah well fuck it!” – They seem to accept it and as part of a new outlook on life they start going to the gym, clubbing with the boys, sleeping with loads of girls and before you know it he’s the new player with a sexy hot bod and promoting protein shakes on his Facebook page. Not forgetting the 30 second clips of him lifting weights and grunting. I don’t know whats more of a turn off, a man popping a head vein looking like he’s about to shit his pants or actually having a conversation with a man whilst he’s taking a shit. I will never forgot those 30 seconds of facial straining, and i now i am starting to wonder what the male population will look like in the next ten years. I was hoping to of bagged someone when i just hit 21, when they seem to just be okay with life and not so bothered about social media and needing to look like Hulk Hogans love child. Also, what’s with so many men wearing a suit? Casual, formal i just don’t get it. Really tall skinny men wearing well fitted trousers, a shirt with no top buttons fastened and a matching jacket. I heard the word swag been thrown around once before – Possibly two years ago, I mean remember the phrase ‘Love a man in a suit’ Now your getting the damned suit for breakfast, where has the element of surprise gone? I guess wearing suits to weddings is a no go then considering they are all off to the gym filming 30 second videos in one.
The email, right. It’s time to do my job – Save the day.