I looked around me at all of the potential men in the bar whilst Lizzie chatted away with Martin and Adam from work.
I felt a little shy and wasn’t used to be being around people that made me feel as though i needed to impress. I didn’t share the same knowledge to converse about what the best places to drink were or the general topics of shit.
Honestly, I think this is why I am so boring. I hate making small talk, give me a conversation about a movie and how the film had a hidden meaning or how aliens exist.
I’m a girl, I wear make up and I do like to talk about make up I won’t lie but you can only compare lipsticks and high lighters for a few minutes and then it’s back to the small talk and awkward pauses.
I try to laugh and enjoy the normal conversations and the typical jokes but I literally no soul, something inside of me over the years took away my humour.
I’ve been hurt in the past, I have struggled with depression – I have lost so many friends through no fault of my own. People move on and start a life of there own.
I used to be a happy person, loud and funny, i enjoyed meeting people on drunken nights out and taking stupid pictures with those I’d never meet again.
I’ve always struggled with the way I look and my confidence never really existed, the ‘fuck it all’ attitude was my way of forcing a confidence that was never true to myself. But as the years went on and realised I would never live a fun life like most people in their 20’s, sticking my fingers up to the world really did mean something. I guess you could say I’ve grown into my attitude and this is me, I don’t care about most things now and I really am a bitch.
Many times I have cried because I am not the same person, how do I get me back? Do I stay safe or go with what my heart truly wants. – To see the world, meet more people and experience things that I see people on my Facebook doing, which sounds fucking pathetic but I feel I am the only one that doesn’t do anything at all. The last memorable moment in my life was a holiday to Egypt.
And I haven’t even tried Sushi, I want to sit in a Sushi bar with friends late at night laughing and drinking. I want to lunch in the day and sneak in a few cocktails but why do i feel the need to indulge in things that are so cliche?
I would hear every now and again Martin talk about something interesting, games. And for a few moments we had a really good conversation, Lizzie looked bored as I know she liked gaming because of her husband but I don’t think she really experienced as much as I did and the gamers of the world.
Adam left to meet his friends in town and left us three sitting, as we all covered our drinks whilst we went into the smoking area Lizzie dropped the bomb.
“Alex fancies you Martin, or did do. Which one is it.”
She got closer to his ear and they began to have a conversation, I wanted another drink to hide my embarrassment.
“Fuck you, Martin I don’t so you don’t have to worry.”
Ten minutes had gone by and Lizzie came back in with Martin, She gave me a hug and told me she was going home.
“I feel a bit sick, I think i need food and a relaxing night with David. Text me okay?”
And so it was me and Martin. For the first few moments it was small talk and awkward smiles. What do we say to each other? I sent him up to the bar for a few more drinks and I had a good think about what to say.
I couldn’t help but get these little butterflies in my stomach because I knew deep down I had a crush. We never can truly understand why the like or hate the people we do. I usually say that hate always links very closely with jealousy but under the exception if someone really hurt you.
I mean, how many times do we see our ex partners who are doing well and say “Asshole left me in shit and he’s doing so well. Hate him.” We don’t actually hate them, we’re jealous because someone who messed everything up in your world has come out smelling of roses. When the ones that get hurt are supposed to come out on top but we do eventually.
Now if someone murdered my whole family and I saw the guy who did it get free and live his life, I would hate him.
People use that word so loosely we confuse it with our emotions rather than how we actually feel. Because we don’t like to admit we’re jealous of something, It shows a weakness and a very different side to us. – Especially if we tell someone close to us.
“So Lizzie said you liked me? Why?”
“You want to know the reasons why I liked you?”
“Yeah, I’m intrigued.”
“I don’t really know Martin, just something about you that kind of caught my eye I guess. But it doesn’t matter. You are into Lizzie so…”
“But she’s married, I mean sure. She’s fucking gorgeous but I know I shouldn’t go down that road.”
“And now you are turning your interest in me, funny that you’ve never noticed me before.”
“Well Alex, I’m getting to know you. I am enjoying your company and we are both having a real conversation.”
I smiled and looked away. Knowing exactly that if I allowed myself to be vulnerable he would have everything on a plate. He’s a guy that’s had a few drinks and is single, he cant have what he really wants and now the beer goggles are on I look okay to him.
This is not me being defensive or unwilling to open my heart up to guys, It’s the truth. I am not a 26 year old with no logic in love, I’m smart enough to know when someone is full of shit.
The funny thing is, I’m kind of falling for it.
“So tell me about yourself then, I want to know your life story. I’m in no rush to go home.”
“You would need a whole week Mart to know about my shit.”
“Okay, so what are your dreams or goals.”
“Well I want to write, I want to be published. I have this fucking passion and all of these stories in my head that I can’t get out. It’s been this way since I was a kid.”
– I grabbed my beer and smiled. He smiled back, his eyes glistened a little and his face looked like he was actually giving a shit and hearing my voice.
“I got faith that you will do it if you do it. You’re level headed, you have your shit together. You have to do what feels right.”
“So then why are you not pursuing your goals?”
“I can’t mate, It’s just one of them things where I can’t do the things I want.”
“Well Martin, take your own advice first. If I ever get published I’ll be sure to mention you.”
He laughed and touched my cheek, he has the cutest smile. His cheeks really did widen when he smiled.
An hour or two went by, I stopped keeping track of the time and kept on with the beer.
We talked about everything, and eventually I did tell him my life story. Something that I have never done before.
Lizzie knows a lot about me, but not in so much detail. I went as far back as first ever seeing my dad in a subway begging for money, I shocked myself at how comfortable I was and how easy it was to tell him these things.
“Alex, how much do you want to bet that we will both kiss by the end of the night?”
I grabbed my beer and laughed, looking away feeling a little a bit shy – “I’m not kissing you tonight.”
We continued talking and another hour had passed, we were both drunk and I could tell that he was perhaps a little more drunk than me. I knew that I wouldn’t forget this night in general and everything he said to me from the, ‘your amazing, you deserve the world’ to the ‘I pink promise I will text you tomorrow’
I knew deep down it was bullshit but a little bit of me had hope that maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy. He just need to meet someone that understood him, I had laughed with him which I hadn’t laughed properly for a long time.
The one thing that was me, he never gave a fuck about me before. He never once noticed me at work nor ever made an effort to make conversation and get to know me. Straight away talks to Lizzie, fancies her and wants to fuck her. Me, I am again that shadow. I’m the third wheel that nobody wants. You know, you get those friend who don’t actually mind having a third wheel and it’s fun, then towards the end of the night 3 extra people turn up. Then you have the one where they feel sorry for you so you become the third wheel but deep down they actually don’t want you around.
That’s me, always no matter what when I am around Lizzie. The attention is on her, I mean we have been out with the guys from work in the past. I will have a good conversation and a laugh with these people, yet she’s messaging one on of them who is sitting across from her all kinds of flirty shit.
Then we have the is my ass too big, she doesn’t actually ask that but its the type of stuff she says that draws the attention such as the ass question. Maybe if I was a little thinner and had curves in all of the right places and just not big tits. That’s all you can see on me is tits.
“I’ve been single for a while Alex, and I have not met anyone in two years like you.”
“Bullshit, I’m still not forgetting that you fancied Lizzie so many hours ago.”
“I know that’s bothering you, I’ve gotten to know you now and I like you.”
“So why have you not tried before? I know I’m fucking boring and I don’t stand out.”
“Alex stop putting yourself down, you have such a pretty face. Your amazing…. And stop biting your bastard nails.”
“I can’t help it, your making me nervous.”
And within moments, he put his hands on my face and kissed me.
We left each other that night with smiles and I had feelings I hadn’t felt in a long time. Was I only feeling them because it had been so long?
He wanted me to go back to his but I refused. We kissed about four times in total, he kept trying to kiss me more but I was holding back as I didn’t want to keep giving him what he wanted.
I was protecting myself, and I needed to see if he would live up to those words.
I told him shit about me, I let him in. For the first time in a long ass time, I trusted a guy on a fucking whim. I know I’ve had a few beers, but that’s never messed with my judgement before.
He said all the right things, not the right things to fall in love or go to bed with him. The right things as a person.
His words lifted me up, I didn’t feel like an unwanted piece of shit.
We ended up talking to some guy outside who was out drinking looking for somewhere else to go, he was married and his wife was sadly at home.
I kept telling him to go home to her, grab some flowers from the petrol station and get into bed for cuddles.
Martin kept him talking and he even made the odd joke about only ever getting married once and pointed to me, It made me giggle and slap him on the arm like a teenage girl in love.
Of course that was the beer talking, but it was funny. He even referred to me as his when we were joined by a middle age couple on the table we were sat at. I know it was shit, I actually liked it though.
I sent him a messaged to make sure he got home safe and he did, I went to bed a very happy person but I had this sickening feeling in my stomach, I think i may be about to get hurt.