Book review

November – Let’s read! OPEN Book club #1

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Bet you didn’t expect this post did you? How about that for a surprise 😉





I’m obsessed with GIF’s and i aint going to say sorry…. OKAY So i said i wanted to read more on my other post and get a few reads in. I though, i aren’t going to get a book in a week because of how busy i am so why not do once a month and do this book club thing.

This is totally optional guys, i will be reviewing this at the end of the month and then just add another title to read for December! This book is around £4.00 but i did get this on a cheap offer in my local shop. Kindle it, book it or don’t read it, it is really upto you.


The book is now that i’ve found you by Ciara Geraghty. First book of hers i have read, and i do love a good soppy story every now and again. Even more so in winter.


OKAY! So, see you on the 1ST of December for a round up! I hope some of you join in..

Story Time · writing

Disconnected – Short story

“How much food do we have til they open the store again?”

“A couple of meals i say”

It was enough, it’s not like the store wasn’t going to open again. But for some reason people thought the need to ration, even supermarkets got in on it too. Once a week the it would open for a set amount of time, then close. We were able to get the most needed items, but they still had to limit how much because everyone needed to eat and drink.

The world had lost it’s mind since the internet went down, it was as though people had forgotten how life was lived without access to the online world. Four weeks had passed, nobody understand why or when it would be back – If was to ever come back.
I didn’t care, i actually liked it. The air was hectic but i also felt a sense of peace. People weren’t glued to laptops or phones unless they needed to make a call.
Children were out on the street playing, or at home with toys. The news reported that toy sales had risen because children were unable to play most mobile or tablet games without a connection, and mobile data was unavailable. Footballs and sporting goods were another popular thing, people were going out and just throwing a ball around.
Crime hadn’t changed, which we all though would. Hackers are clearly pissed off, but banks and expensive stores have had to adjust the alarms systems. Most are a live alarms, where the security feed is 24/7 linked with an online server. It had all been disconnected but nobody gave it a thought to go and rob the local banks. – How odd?

Is this something that’s going to make the world come together or eventually will people crack and crime will rise, i just don’t know. I aren’t seeking for answers, i am accepting this as it comes across. Whilst most spend all day and night trying to do something about it, i am sleeping without disturbance.


“Have you seen the fucking news, look quick…. The worlds been cut off from electric. What in the fuck are we going to do now?”


Story Time · writing

Underground – short story

I don’t remember the last time i touched air, or sniffed the fumes of petrol on a busy morning full of traffic. Though it’s not possible to touch air is it? But you do understand the feeling of it. I used to enjoy the breeze every time i would leave our shopping centre, it would instantly dry my sweaty palms and cool my wet neck.
I would sweat a lot whilst shopping, especially indoors. The rush of wanting to go from shop to shop trying to get through people, though why rush? It was as if sometimes the shop would disappear but i had this urgency to just get out of the way of people because my fucking God, some humans did not look where they were going. I often felt like i was the only one that would look around or left and right to see if my path was safe, or to spot the arseholes who weren’t actually looking. Sometimes if i bumped into the ignorant of the blind, they would look to me as if it was my fault.
I felt like an alien whilst people wandered and stared solely in a straight line, not giving a shit where they walked because they wanted to walk where ever they felt like it.
The satisfaction of entering a shop, but then to do it all again whilst in that shop. Avoiding people with prams or large baskets and trolleys. I always moved out of the way when someone wanted to get past or decided to shuffle next to me and look on the same shelf. That pissed me off, i had to wait until they were done so i could continue with that section. Selfish shoppers, and what’s with the parents that just allow children to wander. I am not apologizing if knock over your kid.  I don’t miss the stress of being amongst other humans whilst shopping. – In fact i am with them twenty four hours a day, and have been for the past fourteen years. We haven’t seen an ounce of daylight and i haven’t had a strong lung in take of air for a long time, i’ve forgotten what most things look like or taste like.
Our air though is filtered through and reaches us underground, Lord knows what would happen if something was to go wrong. The ‘Army’ as we call them i suppose are trained enough to take on that kind of situation if it was to happen, though too many have already been eaten and killed. The overly brave, who think whatever is up on the surface is weak and no match for the mighty army. How wrong were they? Once a month, a team does venture out for a whole week to seek food and supplies, even try and find more traces of humans. Not many return, and each time we are thankful for the loss of life so we can continue living.
My cabin isn’t too bad, i made some fake plants out of clay the other day with another bunch of women. Most of them are married and the men go off doing labour work, us females don’t have much to do except look after the children and educate, cook, nurse or like me wander and observe.
Never in my life would i imagine that whats left of some of the population is here living underground. I can’t speak for the rest of the United Kingdom or the cities outside of mine, in fact the rest of the world.
We haven’t had human contact outside for the ten years, the four years this all happened was fine. I guess you could say hopeful? I mean it’s a long time isn’t to be underground and not speak to humans above.  – I can’t really remember what made us all live underground. All i know is that if we go up, we die.
I think i was thirteen years old when this happened, i am now twenty seven. I don’t know what year is it, or date. We have our own calender’s and i gathered all the months and dates are incorrect but it helps us to live everyday, so we can celebrate birthdays or even Christmas.

It’s my birthday soon, i want to leave the underground and live in the real world. I am going to make my escape the day after my birthday. I need to know the truth, i need to see daylight.


Story Time · writing

Charlie – Short story


I sat longer than usual on the bench, i knew my train was about to arrive but i just didn’t quite feel like catching it. I knew that waiting wouldn’t make him sit next to me but i wanted to sit here for a while longer hoping that he did. I wanted to feel hopeful, i needed atleast that. I am not sure if i fell in love with him, though i did care deeply and really did see him as a best friend.
But how can you love or be friends with someone you bump into everyday, waiting to catch the train home from work. How can you feel something by sitting for two hours a day talking with them and building a connection?
The last week i’ve say here and he hasn’t shown up, i knew this day would come. He’s moved on with his life and quite right. We never exchanged numbers or even added eachother on social media, which i can’t seem to fatham. Why did we not ever do that? Is that not what people do now, exchange user names and connect through a world of meme’s and cat videos.
I think maybe it would of all gone a different way, infact hundreds of ways. We could of spoken more, met up. Even exchange messages to confirm that we would both be at the station waiting for our seperate trains. But then i do realise if we had that, i don’t think it wouls be as magical.
For two hours a day, 5 days week after a long day at work i would sit and talk with a stranger. His name was Charlie, and for 6 months we built this friendship. At first it was me plonking my arse down on a bench after a really horrible day at work. I was at my all time lowest in life. I had a rubbish job, no boyfriend and not many friends. I pretty much spent my life either at work or in my home cuddling my cat. If i did go out, it was because i needed to get food and things to live or the odd friend would randomly want to meet for lunch. Which i can say was not that often, i had no social circle nor remember the last time i went out with friends for a girls day or even night drinking cocktails.
My life was shit and that day i wanted to run onto the train tracks and just end it all. But meeting Charlie, gave me hope and the fact i couldn’t leave my poor kitty alone.
After that day bumping into him became this weird coincidence and before we knew it, us sitting on the same bench waiting for our train became a regular thing. We would spend a few hours talking, purposely missing our travel home.
This handsome guy with dark hair and a quirky sense of dress style, made me feel like i existed in this world once again. He made me laugh, talked me out of my darkest thoughts and most of all he listened.
Six months is a long time isn’t it? Especially when we never exchanged numbers, the more i think about it the more i wonder if he really did exist.
If i had his number, maybe i would know why for some strange reason, Charlie left without trace…

Story Time · writing

Goodbye July – Short story

I drew back the curtains and took one deep breath, it was dawn once again. I had slept little and had been doing so for such a long time, I couldn’t even remember the last meal that had satisfied my appetite. My eyes were tired and my bones felt numb – Was today finally the last? When the sun rises will we all be able to breathe without fear.

The summer nights were darker than ever recorded, but the mornings remained the same. Our crops were dying and the closet stores near us that sold food were beginning to look empty. Morning meetings would happen and we would all get told the number of food that’s left for us all, I think without this order and rationing we may have died of starvation a long time ago. Without our crops, we won’t even be able to harvest the basics, and with cities far away it would be suicide to venture out. – But what is left for us to do? The sick are getting sicker and are children are not growing, do we step outside our zone and head for the city. I’ve heard bad things and what might happen to most of us, we would be checked for infection and either spared to live in a colony or shot dead on the spot. You can see fire and smoke in the distance, we used to wonder about it until we had such bad winds so fierce that it blew the scent of burning flesh into our little town. Our once precious sanctuary, that’s now protected by farmers and boys with guns – Fences that only give us so much land to live but it protects us. We have a perimeter and rules, even a curfew just so we can keep living. But it’s not living, is it? It’s surviving and that to me isn’t happiness. It’s a sad fucking way to go…..


Now that July has come to an end, I feel that it won’t just be us surviving but fighting to do so. This might just be the last July I’ll ever see.

Good bye July, til we meet again.


Story Time · writing

‘Untitled’ – Short story

The rain was coming down heavy, but leaving a slight breeze that was enough to make curtains move. I loved the air when it rained, I also enjoyed the view in the distance. When I looked out of my apartment window, I had been blessed with a view – Not just houses and other apartments, my eyes focused on the far away. Fields and even more fields, which looked strangely beautiful when it rained. The mist and grey fog that hovered over the tops of the hills. I wanted to be surrounded by it and delved into an adventure, I always imagined that If I walked inside of it that I’d come across the darker side of what the weather can do. I guess I really wanted a horror adventure, maybe not the choice of everyone’s but I do like mystery, even if it does involve a serial killer or two.

I sat for a good twenty minutes just staring, I thought about a few things and most were blank thoughts. The ‘far’ away was very far indeed, the rain became heavier and it was impossible to see into the distance but it was still enjoyable to take in the weather. I never quite understood why people hated the rain so much, sure it’s horrible getting wet. It limits your outdoor activity and who loves to be out shopping or doing things for then to get soaked. But it’s tranquil, water itself is healthy, and just look at how many sea creatures and animal exist and how beautiful they are.
My favourite is the shark, I’m not sure what attracts me to this species as such but other than its hugely feared. The fact that people fear it makes me love the shark more because, even though it’s something you worry about if you’re on an exotic holiday and happen to be in the sea – They are extremely intelligent. I like things that have more than a meets the eye kind of vibe, and that is exactly the shark.

Before I get up from the window, I drink the rest of my coffee. I don’t usually drink it, it sets off my anxiety and never has been useful regarding keeping me awake, but seeing as my days are numbered I may as well enjoy everything I can before I have no time.

You see, the one thing that I am enjoying right now Is watching the rain, the water. Water that we shower and wash in, bathe, wash clothes. The complete necessity in life for us to keep, well living. Except one thing – It’s what’s killing me.

It’s the one thing that’s killing the whole world.

Story Time

Whispering shadow

Her long brown hair fell beautifully as she sat in her window, reading what appeared to be an old war love story. I knew her favourite type of books, i knew a lot about her and it had only been three months. I could see the  frustration in her eyes as one strand of hair kept falling and would stay put as she put it behind her ears.
After a good few minutes, my eyes followed her as she got up and what looked like hair clips, she made sure it was secured.

I knew it wouldn’t be long til she called it bedtime and i would get to see her body gracefully undress into shorts and a small tank top. I loved her pale smooth skin, how perky her breasts were.
She was beautiful, a perfect painting.  But her looks wasn’t what caught my eye, it was her caring nature. How she loved to help other people and never herself, every Friday she would finish work early and meet with her family for a huge meal. They were all so close, i loved seeing them all laugh and joke with each other. Of course being the only sister, she would get teased but as always she held her own.

11:00pm struck and it was time for bed, no rest for her. The working week was almost over and i would get to see her relaxed and enjoying life.
As she changed into her minimal outfit, i couldn’t help but want to kiss her body all over.
I knew she wouldn’t let me, she would be too tired.

Her body lay in bed and the lights were off leaving just a small shine coming from the bathroom. She never slept without that light being on, she felt safer as she lived alone.
We all have our fears and the darkness is something to be terrified of especially if you don’t have anyone to protect you.

I would protect her of course, i would never let anything happen to her.

I wrote a little note and slid it under the door of her apartment and i let her be. Tonight wasn’t the night for me to stay with her, i needed to prepare things for when me and her would finally be together, our own house with a garden where our children would play and grow.
I have waited three months to this day for this to happen, ever since she said hi to me on the bus home from work. Our run ins at the coffee shop, like it was fate.

Beth, my beautiful Beth… One day, soon. I will finally be able to tell you i love you.

Story Time

Alex – Turn of events. An extended chapter

I had finished talking to Lizzie and saying goodbye, which was silly really as she owed me drinks tomorrow night. But it felt like an end of an era and although these past months have been dull for me. The thrill of it all two years ago when we both started was amazing, but the atmosphere will never be that again.

I clocked Ben staring, was he changing his mind? Or was I late, I didn’t really care. The bastards made me wear official office clothes not my black skinny jeans and a causal blouse, now I look like a secretary ready to film a sex scene with the printer repair guy.
I peaked my head a little and saw another man get up to leave the room, Ben saw me and nodded as if to say come along now. I walked away from the kitchen holding my cup hoping to God this tea didn’t spill. I was shit at holding a cup with hot drinks, no matter how straight I walked it always managed to dribble on me or spill on the floor.
You ever see a carpet with darker patches, well that’s because I’ve probably walked on it with a cup of tea and decided to paint the floor with Tetley.

I walked straight in and sat opposite Ben, the room was cool and the temperature hadn’t been adjusted. This was a nice room though, It was very corporate, with leads coming out of the desks for laptops and whatever pro gadget they use. A white board for projecting and really blinding lights, the type that you use in an art gallery to light the shittest of paintings up and highlight that one speck white.

“So is this my office?” I smiled still clutching my tea, nervous as hell for some reason, not because of the job but because I hadn’t changed my mind about how attractive he was.

“No, it’s one of the rooms on the other side of the floor. You’ll actually be working in the same room as me, got some delivery today with another desk and chair, got you a little filing cabinet as well in case you need to file something? I have my own but it’s locked and you can always make copies of anything in mine to keep for yourself. Plus you’ll have access to my emails and of course your new email.”

“That was a lot to take in first thing this morning, so.. um, you said something about a new contract?”

“Ah yes, let me get it out. It’s pretty much the same except the length, salary and title. A few other details on the last pages in regards to rules as you’ll know a lot more about the company and sometimes hear conversations that you wouldn’t normally. Read it, and if you are happy sign it. I’ll be back in about five minutes I just need to make a call.”

I looked through the contract, nothing really had changed and who really read through them anyway? As long as the pay looked okay and your job role I had no issues at all.
I was surprised to see that he had already signed it, was he that confident I would agree. What if I wanted more money for the job I was about to let myself in for, I mean I already am a shadow of the world I won’t see anyone I know. I won’t be able to look at all the idiots in this place and make up my little stories as I’ll be confined in the elite world. Hello’s will become awkward as people won’t trust me now I work for Ben and no doubt I’ll be on the list of be nice to my face and talk shit behind my back.

Is this something I truly want, spending the next few years or even a lifetime being practically someone’s run around. What is it I do want, If I can’t find thrill with work what exactly am I missing.

“Sorry about that Alex, tomorrow’s meeting has been cancelled so looks like you’ve got your first few days quite lightly. Have we read and signed?”

“Er, yeah. So about the whole office sharing? Won’t it be a little weird. Don’t PA’s usually just like sit somewhere else.”

Ben laughed at me, I hadn’t really tried to make a joke out of it.

“I don’t bite if that’s what your asking…. It will be fine, how often am I in this room? You will spend more time here than an office. Unless I don’t need you around.”

What if wanted him to bite me? Fuck sake, here we go again.

“Okay, that seems fine. I’ve never done this before so it’s a bit scary. Plus I’ll be with all of the big bosses and it’s just a whole new world to me.”

“Trust me Alex, they are the nicest people you will ever meet. Well, the guy that was in here, John. He’s a bit much sometimes with his jokes and if he ever makes you uncomfortable do say. He doesn’t know his limits.”

“So he’s a pervert.”

Ben let out another laugh, this time a little louder than before. Is this supposed to happen, I mean as his PA they don’t usually just sit and chat do they? I imagine it’s all formal communication and emails throughout the day.

“You are funny, you just say it don’t you. But no he just likes women, he’s a man with needs.”

“I see.. Well, I guess now I need to ask what’s next?”

Ben got up and a seat next to me. My heart was pounding and I was scared he could probably hear it, why do I have to think he’s the most sexiest man alive. Why is he now my boss, even though technically he was before. I mean in my head of fantasy, I was expecting him to kiss me but he was actually just looking at my contract.

“Signed, dated, yup. And nothing today is one of them days where I haven’t got much to do. I have some emails to check, tomorrow’s been cancelled. So I guess it’s sit here all day and eat. I can order lunch in.”

“I kind of meant me, do I go back out on the floor or just stay here.”

“Well, that box at the end of the room is your new laptop. So I guess you could log on and do some work. It’s already been opened as IT have installed the system for you, I have sent an email to your old one with your new work email. I’ve got you saved already, priority now aren’t you. My account is also linked up with your inbox so you can see and reply to emails but I will have people directly email you from now on unless I request otherwise.”

“But how do I know what to email back and all of that shit?”

“Well, ask me. I am sitting in the same room.”

Ben gave me a smirk, was this some kind of test or was he just being lazy. What if i drop the F bombs in his emails and end up creating some kind of outrage. ‘That new PA is very controversial she told me to go fuck myself for wanting triple discount.’

I’ll be sacked in no time and It will be square one again for me, maybe that’s what I want. I want to lose my job so I can create a huge drama about it and then find some work in a fast food place.
You know McDonald’s actually pay more than minimum wage. Makes you wonder why the staff are always so fat and happy.

I got my laptop out, It was nice. White and new, everything was fast and was all up to date. I got to take this home with me, I mean I’ve never had this privilege before.

Subject: TESTING

Just testing out the new email, I need to go out and get your phone and meet John briefly about tomorrow’s meeting being cancelled.

Then I will be back with lunch for us. I’m feeling KFC, If I need you I’ll email you from my phone.

Ben 🙂

“Er, Ben you could of just said the rest out loud.”

“I know, sorry. I just get carried away with typing. So I’ll go now but see you soon okay?” He got up quickly looking a little embarrassed. How cute was that, maybe I shouldn’t do that to people. I should just go along with it and make them happy.

But holy shit, my email has corporate in it!

A few hours had gone by and it was almost noon. Ben wasn’t back and I had been sitting here alone like a complete twat. I guess that’s the price you pay now that you are a PA but I kept my laptop on and I spent a lot of time reading the news, then ad’s at the bottom to read celebrity gossip ‘Top ten celebs who look ugly without make up.’
Lizzie popped in for about 20 minutes to see if I was okay, she was acting all excited like a school girl at my new laptop and professional email.
She actually looked happy for me.

We exchanged a few words and tomorrow night was cancelled as she had agreed to go out for dinner with David. Which I didn’t mind, I wanted her marriage to be okay that’s all that mattered.
I mentioned that I probably will skip the next few drinks out, I used the excuse of being busy and being low on cash until payday. When in reality I wanted precious me time, I love been tucked away from the world and have everything confined in my own comforts and then depress myself because I see pictures on Facebook and then I feel like a idiot for not participating in such events.

Ben came strolling in with food, it wasn’t grilled chicken but nothing more than a platter of Subway sandwiches.

“I didn’t know what you liked and didn’t want to waste time emailing you so I got a platter of everything.”

I smiled, he made me giddy. “Wow, thanks I would of been happy with just a salad box or something.”

“No bother, I got some Pepsi too. Sorry I left you here for this long, I should of told you head out onto the floor but I kind of wanted you away from them.”

“I don’t know what you mean, away from them?”

“Well Alex, between me and you. I don’t know if you noticed they are a bunch of fuckers. Third floor has the lowest reputation in this building. We are working on that, but we can’t just sack people without a reason. Lizzie and Adam were on thin ice when I heard about them sleeping with each other, did you know they did it in this building? I let it go because Adam is going to be training in IT and I want him to do well. He’s young and has a great future, Lizzie will probably be made team leader so I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. Pull up their socks so to speak.”

I was shocked, Lizzie had done it at work? She told me it was the once. A drunken time and that he was the one more or less pursuing her. Yet as usual, the sun shines out of her back side. I was all for her being a team leader but now, I have lost respect.

“She lied to me.. She told me it was the once.”

“Sadly, she lies a lot. Her husband from what I know isn’t a bad guy. She has seemed to of lost interest in him and wants to chase after every guy that walks by for the thrill.”

“Why are you even giving them a second chance? It’s bullshit, If that was me I would of been sacked.”

“Well Alex, that’s not you is it. And they made a mistake I am willing to let it go, only few of us know this. Both of them had verbal warnings. How could she of not told you?”

“I guess I am not a friend, to anyone.”

I looked down and ate a turkey ham sub, the room filled with silence and I saw Lizzie sitting in the kitchen area laughing and joking with Martin. Why did she lie to me, am I just someone that people use so they can vent off shit and then that’s it. Once I’ve listened I’m tossed aside, as for Martin. He saw me looking and continued to talk, probably talking about me. He pissed me off, he really does think he’s something.

“Alex, are you okay.”

He looked out to see who I was staring at, and sighed.

“Don’t worry about them, I will quite happily allow you to have your lunches with them.”

“Thanks Ben, but I don’t think I want to be around them, especially Martin.”

Ben summed it up within seconds, like he knew everything about everyone without even asking. Was I that obvious, did I become predictable and let my emotions show more.

“He’s not a good guy you want to get involved with anyway, I’ll say no more.”

“Thanks I guess… It’s all a bit weird you knowing stuff. I guess emails are more monitored than I thought.”

“It’s also an office, gossip travels. Er, so in about an hour or two because my schedule is free. I have a small meeting with John about more training in the work place. Would you like to sit in?”

“Should you be asking or telling me.”

“I’m being polite, I don’t expect you to say no.”

His tone changed, but It wasn’t a bad tone. It made my heart flutter a little bit, he was looking straight at me with a smile. My God this man his beautiful, I am young and dumb. I have fallen into the cliche of crushing over your boss. We all know how it ends right? I fall in love, he breaks my heart or he ties me up and that contract I’ve just signed isn’t work related at all.
Is it in our nature to see a man with a little bit of power more attractive than some, minus the good looks.
I’ve crushed hard on power men and some of them were really ugly, but they always have this attitude. It’s so sexy when you see a man telling other people what to do, or the way they talk in meetings and conferences. They are taking control and owning that crowd, it’s quite hot.

“Then I will tag along, no big deal. Nothing better to do, this PA stuff is kind of boring.”
I smiled at him and he let out a giggle.

“I really did make the best decision by hiring you.”

After the meeting with John, who I had the honour of meeting. Ben allowed me to go home and still get paid for the rest of the day. He also told me that I didn’t need to be in until 11:00am tomorrow and that he would have breakfast and tea ready to start.
John cleared out my old desk area and moved everything for me into my new office, I left the laptop and realised that I never actually got my new phone. None the less, I was feeling pretty good. John was a little bit much to handle but I knocked him down a peg and he actually was a pretty nice guy to talk with. A typical guy with just bursts of fun that he wanted to release, I guess some men never want to grow up or lose that sense of being a young teenager.
Lizzie text me to ask how everything when and to as why my stuff was being moved, I told her that I’d be working in my new space as of tomorrow and I will try and catch up with her some time next week.
She didn’t respond and I expected just that. I wanted to distance myself a little as I have been getting such a bad attitude lately and I never want to feel unsure about myself like that again.
We will always doubt ourselves, It’s human nature. The way i was feeling was too much of a bad place for me to be in.

Subject: Question

Are you able to work from home today and catch up with you on Monday.

I’m heading to Manchester, I also forgot to give you your new phone. It’s here, safe in my car.

I need the following done today:

-Email John a copy of this weeks targets. I have a draft saved onto my one drive, it just needs dating with the start of this week also print one off if you have a printer.

-Find out who is head of the news letter and ask them to do a quick mention on our charity fundraising ball next month for Cancer also discuss colours, theme, I quite like black and white.

-Respond to emails, explain I am away for today and that you can take a message and forward it on to me. If they persist, then I’ll try and fit in a phone call with them.

-Keep in touch, I believe I’ll be extremely bored today and would like your humour to entertain.

Oh and happy Friday.

Speak soon




Subject: Anything else?

Working at home is fine. This might sound cheeky, but could you possibly somehow get the phone to me this weekend so I can get used to it and set it up.
But I understand if you are busy.



Subject: Phone

I will be back around 6:00PM, I can swing by and drop it off. Let me know your address later.

Oh, I forgot to mention ignore any emails from a woman called Lauren, I’ll get in touch with her myself.


I wonder who Lauren is, I mean he doesn’t think that I won’t go snooping? I’m his PA after all, I have access to his emails. What an idiot, though it could be someone really important and I’m not exactly the right person to be responding.
But this is a sexy, successful man. Its got to be a girlfriend.

After spending a good forty five minutes doing what he asked I looked through his emails for a woman named Lauren. By the looks of it she emails him for than once a day, and her last email he must of read whilst travelling as it was received over an hour ago. How the hell does he not understand that I can see this shit?
I caught a glimpse of a brief conversation, they were shagging for sure.

“In town next week, book a room baby”

Makes me sick, of course he’s a playboy but that doesn’t stop me from wanting him to be in my bed. I think this is more of a sexual attraction than anything, it’s the power thing. I mean I go from liking Martin and hoping he’s the one after we kiss and now I can’t stand the bastard. Then Ben, I meet him and I feel more than what I did about Martin. It’s like a spell, I want to touch him. I really want to share my bed and cuddle. Touch his skin and then shag the life out of him, what is wrong with that. Everyone has needs and I am not ashamed of it but my morals are that I only have sex with someone that I feel a connection with – No one night stands, nothing that makes me look like a slut. But when I think about Ben I want to break all of my rules I’ve ever set for myself.

I could possibly be a virgin the way I act sometimes, I’ll never quite understand why I just don’t allow myself to let go. Forget all the bullshit and just live life, but it’s not that easy. My shadow is my best friend, that’s how it’s been for a long time and I can’t shake off the doubt and hatred towards myself.
Maybe when I am actually successful and earning my money I will feel different, this job could be the making of a new me. A business twat who looks down at people and makes them feel like shit, I should be that person for a change. Lord knows I am sick of people treating me that way and karma doesn’t come around, you got to deal with it yourself. You want revenge fucking do it!
If your boyfriend cheats on you and has been doing with your best friend, don’t say karma. Egg the shit out of his house, slash his tires, sleep with this best mate and then sneak into your so called friends house – Cut off her hair, finger in a glass so she pisses the bed and hack her FB. Leak any sex tape or better yet make a fake one!
Honestly, turning the each cheek never works. It sure as hell hasn’t for me and I can’t really say that karma has ever paid a visit to all of the people that hurt me.
I’ve had to deal with it and move on or at least try.

The rest of the day went smoothly and I didn’t actually have a lot of emails to respond to, I think maybe most of the time when your in the business world and really need to talk they will just pick up the phone.
Emailing these days though is a lot like texting, we have smartphones now so emailing has been made cool again. It goes straight to your phone and you can have long ass conversations and they don’t charge or turn into parts when you try and send the bloody things.

I have always loved emailing, it’s kind of like writing a letter. Which people never seem to do, though I have this really old school auntie who’s crazy rich and her only way of communication is either letter or ‘telephone’ – She’s too old and poorly to work a smartphone and I can’t say she’s adjusted to modern times. Emailing though is just a brilliant way to communicate and more often than not its my only way.
If I need to speak to family or they send me pictures of what they are up to, it’s either I see them all on Facebook or they email me. I mean I won’t lie, I barely text. I only ever text Lizzie but all of the time I use messenger. It’s not any quicker than typing a text message but I don’t have many friends that I can text.
I remember a good few years ago, my phone would never stop going off. I loved texting people or having phone calls and conversations that lasted for hours until I fell asleep and now my life has just become really lonely.
Life moves forward and so do the people, I just wish I moved forward as well because I literally feel I have slowed down and the time is just ticking on by and I’m here, the same.

I wondered what Ben would be doing right now? He’s travelled to Manchester and won’t be back til 6:00PM, it’s now 2:45. I bet he’s been sitting in posh conference rooms all day buying everyone platters of Subway. Maybe he hasn’t gone for a meeting and he’s for sure a playboy and has a bit on the side he goes and visits.
I day dreamed for a good twenty minutes and my phone buzzed, it was Lizzie.

“Alex, I need to tell you something.”

That she lied to me about Adam and how she fucked him at work, how she lies about her marriage and that David is a good guy but she can’t help herself. How she used me so I would listen and never be heard in return.

“Erm, okay what?”

“I wanted to do it in person but okay.. this is easier so are you ready for a long message?”

“It’s not bad are you and David okay? Still together?!”

It took a few minutes to get a response, I assumed it was because she had already started to type out this message. I felt a little strange that out of the blue she would need to tell me something. Was she at work? She could of emailed me if it was going to long or we could of met in person even if it meant her delaying her night with David especially if it sounded important.

Ok Alex…. so here it goes. u know last year with the charity ball thing they did
at Christmas instead of summer well you didn’t go and i wanted u to badly but no
anyways i got a bit drunk david was txting me and he pissed me off something rotten
he had to work last minute all weekend so i wouldnt see him i met ben that night siting
with that guy john. me and john got talking for a bit and ben was at the bar when i went
to get drinks. ben told me to stay away from john… that night alex i ended up in a hotel
with ben. mate u dnt know how sorry i am.. i thought that night i was gonna sleep with
john but i ended up with the fucking boss. i had met him before i lied, i lied so bad and
now you have to work with him i am a shit person but i never told anyone an only ben knows
maybe others do maybe people in the office saw us fuck knows.. so yeh if ben says anything
about me then just you know why…im sorry again i love you xxx”

“Is this why he wants you as a team leader?”

“What? i didnt even know that alex, fuck.. I can talk to him turn the position down. I don’t want it if thats the only reason why.”

“Take it when he asks you. I have to do some work now, speak soon.”

“We are ok though right?”

“Yep Lizzie were cool.”

I lied, for the first time in my life I held myself back from spilling out what was going in my head.
My eyes filled with tears, she’s had everyone. I can’t even have a little crush on the boss now because I know he’s already had his way with someone from work. A man that swears he keeps things professional a man that never wanted… Ah of course it all makes sense now doesn’t it.
That’s why he was so sure not to ask Lizzie as the PA, not because she would be shit at the job as she would of been bloody brilliant, oh no it’s because they fucked. It would be too awkward and more than likely lead to them sleeping with each other again. Let’s face it, everyone that meets Lizzie automatically falls under her spell.
The fact that it’s upset me to this level says a huge lot, I am fucking jealous. I hate that I am a complete nobody and I never cross peoples minds or get noticed, I hate that this PA job is only mine because I’m probably a last resort. Bullshit to the he has faith in me, its all lies. Lies yet again because they don’t want to set off the bomb Alex.
Too late, I am sick of the shit. I am sick of my life, I am sick of being Alex.
Fuck this job, I don’t want it – I will quit and find something better. Maybe I will write a blog, sell my stories online about all of the shit that goes on at Synco. Expose every little scandal and affair, let the world see that office life isn’t all about sitting behind a desk.
It’s a fucking reality TV show and I am the bait. I’m going to email Ben and tell him that he can stick his job, hire Lizzie and stick whatever up her arse! It will be like talking to my bloody self though, his emails are also mine.

Subject: Don’t want this job

Just letting you know that I don’t want this job. You can shove it, you lied to me.
You shagged Lizzie and that’s why you didn’t want to hire her. Not because you saw potential in me
I’m just being used for your own ego!

No need to bother dropping of that phone, I’ll hand back the laptop on Monday.


Subject: The job is yours

Luckily I am actually on my way home, I don’t need your address HR have given it to me. I should be about 40 minutes. You are not quitting this job, I won’t let you.

I did sleep with Lizzie, I didn’t tell you in fact I shouldn’t have to tell you because nobody else knows and quite frankly it’s none of your business. I am embarrassed that I stooped to that level, I don’t find her remotely attractive but that night It did happen and I can’t explain why or even use the alcohol as an excuse because it won’t change the past.

Now, the thing that I am more concerned about is that she decided to tell you today whilst you are not in the office but at home working for me. She tells you only a few days after starting this job. Have you taken that into consideration that she could be jealous?
If she was a real friend, I assume that close friends tell each other everything as she told you about Adam that my name would of been mentioned a lot sooner. But instead she drops it all on you today.

The most important thing I need to tell you is that I did not hire Lizzie because of sleeping with her, I hired her because she will not be good at this job, she is not professional and quite frankly she is known as the office slut. I really don’t think she would be a great fit in assisting me. It has nothing to do with what you think. I had good intentions when hiring you, you are mature and get your work done. I see potential and I believe you deserve much better than working with a bunch of idiots.
I won’t reassure you again as your boss you need to trust me as much as I trust you.

I can also assume that you are upset, which makes me think that deep down she only did this to spite you. She wants to you to know that everything you are about to touch or have touched she has already done so, which isn’t a nice person Alex. They will tear you down mentally.

I suggest you calm yourself down, perhaps have a cup of tea and we can talk in person. I am your boss and I am supposed to make sure you are happy and okay to work, you can confide in me if you need to.


Subject: (no subject)

Well if you are going to be here then I would like to ask you to come round to the back as I will be sitting outside smoking and drinking my cup of tea.

I did not take this job for it to be a rollercoaster ride of bullshit.


Subject: Swearing

I’ll let the swearing in my emails go..

It will be sorted out I promise.  I won’t be long 🙂


I waited a good hundred years for him to arrive, he entered through the back gate with a box. I assumed it was my phone and a bag with what appears to be wine, he obviously wasn’t planning on staying long.
I walked into the kitchen and left the door open, he followed me and I made sure he didn’t shut the door. I liked the Spring air and the smell of flowers in late afternoon, I would sit outside for hours with my eyes closed just taking in the nature and everything around me.

Ben sat on one of the stools and I sat opposite him. His face looked quite sad, as if he pitited me and thought I was just this pathetic mess of a human being. We didn’t speak for a good 15 minutes as he was on the phone to what appeared to be John, he had drove Ben’s car here and dropped him off. I assumed he would be picking him up, I wouldn’t trust someone like that with my car he’s probably cruising the street for some woman to pick up.
Whilst he spoke on the phone he pointed at the bottle of wine and made a gesture for me to get glasses and a bottle opener, he was planning on drinking with me.
Maybe it was easier for him to talk with a few glasses of wine inside of him but I can’t imagine how stressful his job was and i took into account that it was Friday and he probably needed a well earned drink.
I could smell the aroma of  the wine, I finally knew what real wine tasted like. Expensive, special wine. Something I would only ever drink at a wedding if they weren’t cheap bastards.
Ben watched me pour the drinks and I smiled, imagining what it would be like to be in a French vineyard. I loved alcohol, my Grandad gave me my first sip when I was a child. It started off with my licking the froth of the beer when it was poured, then after time he let me have a sip and if my mum was out or working nights I’d have half a glass.
Always had a shandy with my Sunday dinner. How the littlest of memory always becomes a happy one, I wish i had my Grandad here still because he was one of my best friends.
A man that raised me because my dad is doing his own shit. It was a tough day when he died, in fact my life hasn’t really been the same without him, it’s been bad luck and shit times. I know he’s watching but at the same time I aren’t sure anymore if he ever was.
Ben finally came off the phone, he took off his work jacket and relaxed. His arms looked good in his shirt, you could see them bulging through. Them green eyes, my God he was something but a fucking liar.

“Apologies for being ignorant,  John’s using my car tonight so he’ll be picking me up later. You look distant are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry… Was just thinking of a memory and then it made me a bit sad to be honest. I suppose it’s good that i don’t feel mad at you now…. Well i do but to be fair you bought a really expensive bottle and it tastes so bloody good.”

“Know your wines then? I really needed a drink after today and I was convinced you might as well.”

“Well, I think I overreacted a little… So I’m, sorry.”

Ben pulled out a packed of cigarettes and lit one up, he looked so relaxed as if i was sitting with a different person. Instead of looking his usual dominant self ready to tackle the working day or to just sit in a conference room waiting for someone to happen.

“I can understand, i think we should just put this behind us if we want to sustain a working relationship. I don’t want this to be something that effects your job or mine. If this ever got out, my reputation and my position could be compromised. Lizzie has put herself in a situation where I can’t ignore this. I will need to speak with her.”

He took one long sip of his wine and poured more into his glass including mine, he looked around and then made eye contact with me. The moment became slightly awkward, I felt dizzy and I could feel my cheeks fill with warmth. I didn’t know what to say to him, I want to forget him sleeping with Lizzie but he won’t understand why I feel upset. I’m attracted to him and we all know what it feels like when you have a crush and they don’t like you or they have already got their eyes on someone else, even worse that they are married. Been there done  that – It’s a silly school thing to feel but it was true.
I was to be confined with this person and have regular contact at least five days a week, I already felt a crazy rush of feelings when I saw him and it breaks every rule I’ve given myself. Don’t fall too hard, too soon.

“It’s really hard to explain but the only way i can is by saying that she’s like the girl in high school who’s the most popular one. But I have a lot of issues of my own which kinda get in the way.”

“Well Alex, it will be fine. You are not leaving this job and I have a new PA that’s going to organize my life and  keep me on track, now you have the phone you won’t be able to get away.”

What if I don’t want to get away, what If i want to be trapped in a room with him and never get out. We have to live off our body fluids and eat away at our skin. A tad extreme, and I don’t think wine and having him sitting in front of me looking the way he does right now is helping much.

“Cheers Ben… So any plans for the weekend? Luxury life… Lauren.. erm you know.”

Ben let out a laugh, the same laugh that made me smile the day he got that bloody platter of sub sandwiches. He fascinated me, the mystery.

“I fucking knew it Alex, you would go and read my emails. I even said it to John, but he thought it was funny too. She was someone I was dating. From time to time she will come this way or I end up in London near her, but we haven’t slept with each other for a long time now… It’s weird you know? I never fancied her.”

“How could you not like her, I mean she called you babe or baby…. It’s comfort words you use in a relationship.”

“Well don’t take this offensively, but sometimes women can kind of fall quicker than guys. For me it was fun, I did think she was attractive obviously. It became a routine and nothing more, she always tries to make it happen again when she’s this way.”

“You’ve just described a woman as a routine, how the fuck are you not hung by a bunch of your ex girlfriends or women in general. Man I thought you were one of the good guys.”

He looked at me with shock, has he never had an employee that spoke the truth to him before. Was his life full of people that complimented him day in and day out, told him things he wanted to hear.
You know the type that will say your a great boss but secretly plotting against you to get your job.
The way he spoke about Lauren was as if this woman was nothing, I kind of feel sorry for her. He was right, we do fall quickly. We have been bought up with fairy tales and Cinderella stories and boys were nothing like those princes, even when we were kids. They wanted to chase you around or push you and tell you how ugly your hair was.
Maybe she fell in love with him and using sex is the only way to get his attention because deep down she probably knows he will never feel that the same but at least she can keep him in her life for a while, and just maybe he ends up falling in love with her.
Or she’s a complete bitch and shags about with more than Ben, perhaps she’s another Lizzie.

“I am a good guy, believe me I am. I didn’t mean it in that way… She and I got used to sleeping with each other it became the norm. I never felt love for her, but Lauren was probably all I had because I’ve met a woman I’ve loved for a long time…. You know something Alex, I think this wine’s gone to my head. Look at me pouring out my heart and soul.”

“It’s okay, I mean we will be working together a lot so I guess we are basically best friends now. I’ve not been in love for a long time either, I’ve pretty much lost any kind of hope so it’s probably why I’m a bitch.”

“Nah, I disagree with the bitch part. You still have a long way to go yet to really give a shit about lonely.. I’m thirty two, most of the guys at work married at twenty four. I’m a lost cause, I have Synco to always consider.”

“But i do give a shit….. Age shouldn’t matter when you want to fall in love. You could always step down from Synco, consider a different life.”

He poured what appears to be the last two glasses of wine and lit up another cigarette, he looked at me with concentration. He quickly checked his phone.

“I can’t give up Synco and I’ll have to cut this short as John will be here in about fifteen minutes. You have a long weekend ahead of you playing with your new phone.”

“It’s been a pleasure, I’ve almost forgotten that you shagged Lizzie.”

He laughed, but resorted back to frowning at me. I think it’s one of those subjects that annoy the shit out of a guy when you keep repeating it. But when your married or have been together a long time and want a good argument you can’t help but bring it up.

“She aint got nothing on you doll… I’m going to wait at the front. Back door the exit also?”

I nodded and saw him out, he really did come out of his shell after a few glasses of wine. He wasn’t drunk, he was relaxed. I know that it would take more than a couple of glasses to send him off the rails, I am pretty sure that he would now resume the drinking but with John himself.
I smiled and said goodbye, he turned round and looked at me.

“Look after yourself, go out and have some fun. It’s the weekend.”

He pinched my cheek a little, one of those good bye gestures. But my God it made my heart beat fast. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me, especially with the wine and the deep conversation we had. I really didn’t want us hanging out to be so fucking dull but if it wasn’t for Lizzie being a twat he would never of come over.
He bought a bottle, I mean how nice was that, It’s the little things you know that make you smile.
Now I have a new phone, Iphone of course every posh bastards best friend. So i guess this is for work purposes but I guess I should give my mother this number as well.
I hadn’t really spoken to her for a good few weeks, she decided to pack up and move abroad with her boyfriend. I didn’t blame her, she put her life on hold for so many people. Especially looking after my Grandad for a long time.
She had been in a horrible relationship about 6 years ago when I still lived with her, I witnessed more than I should. It took her a long time to build herself up again and she finally found happiness. James, he was such a nice normal guy who just wanted to live a peaceful but also fun life. Isn’t that what everyone wants once you hit your fifties?
Now they are living life by the beach in Spain. What more could you ask for, to be with someone you love and spend it in paradise.

I boiled the kettle and got the phone out it’s box, i turned it on and it seemed that it had already been configured. Which was odd, I scrolled through the settings to change whatever needed to be changed but I didn’t need to be messed with.
Everything had been done, Ben’s email account but not mine. Which I suppose was the only thing left for me to do.
I played around with the phone some more, getting used to using it as I’d never had an Iphone before.
Within an hour or maybe more of playing I got a text. It was from Ben, must of been the one to configure the pissing thing and then add his number. The cheeky twat.

You are really good company. Thank you, enjoy your weekend.”

“Right back at you boss”


Story Time

Alex is beautiful

“Morning John, only us today then? I suppose Alex won’t be as nervous dealing with us two. Hope she likes the job mate, it’s not like me to just pick without interviewing.”

“Ben, as long as the girl gets the job done and doesn’t fuck up anything I’m glad you’ve got yourself an assistant, but you’ve told her that includes helping us as well.”

“Well, yeah she’s going to be helping me but considering we are always in the same room working I thought she could help out wherever need. Especially when more of us are here.”

“I will say mate, she’s a good looking girl. Please don’t tell me that’s why you hired her, I know how big brown Bambi eyes turn you on.”

“Keep it professional John”

Working as one of the director’s has not been easy for me. The majority of us are pretty much all related or know one another, so this job came to me without effort. I always thought of myself as this kind of person though I expected I would spend my whole life gritting my teeth in a low paid graduate job and then move onto managerial role. Instead my father who was one of the first owners of this company offered me a position here, without even being interviewed. I had no idea what I was letting myself into, I had just gotten a degree in Criminology and university and was considering going back for another two years.
Business, the corporate world never interested me. I always saw myself as somebody like Alex, the lower league guys as we like to say.
Surprisingly enough, after six months of being in charge of the finances my father and the rest of the director’s agreed to make me one of them. Our team of director’s are what make the company as the CEO likes to live a life without making much decision, meaning my father and his best friend.
They are too busy trying to branch out into America before retirement comes and somebody else takes over, they rarely keep in touch with this branch in Staffordshire as they know I will be the one taking charge. So I guess you could say I do a lot more, though hiring Alex was something I truly needed.

I have been watching all three floors of staff over the past six months very carefully, and a lot of people that work here are brilliant. They would deserve this job and thrive as a PA but most of them are the core thing about what makes Synco work.
Alex is exceptionally good at her job, and like everyone else we review our staff. We look at how they work, productivity, customer satisfaction and how many mistakes they make. We pass this information on to the floor managers and team leaders so they can help me help them improve.
But Alex, stood out. She was too good for her job and when i mean good it just flowed effortlessly.
We monitor emails from staff, I may of really broken the rules myself by taking an interest in Alex. The way she described working here and how It wasn’t challenging enough, how her work load could easily be done within a few hours but she made it drag out until the end of shift to match everyone’s pace.
I looked at her, and the way she interacted with every one around her, she didn’t fit in here. I could see that she was searching for something more, even if it meant a conversation with somebody that had something in common with her interests. It was a rare thing, even I struggle to meet people that share the thins I love but that’s life. Though with Alex, I felt different. I wanted to take her under my wing and build her up.

I looked out of the glass doors and saw Alex making herself a cup of tea in the seating area. Each floor was that big, one end both had a seating area and modern kitchen for all the staff. Both floors had two sides, divided by the glass square hole that looked right down.
She wore her hair down and slightly curled at the bottom, which looked natural. Her dark brown hair flowed perfectly without effort.
I saw that my advice was noted as she wore a black pencil skirt with a white and duck egg blue striped shirt, she looked fantastic. I saw a different person, a beautiful woman who spent too long with her head down.
Her eyes were mesmerizing, they were dark brown but extremely dark. When you looked at her, it was at though they were the one thing that had plenty of stories. Of how she saw the world, you wanted to be inside and feel everything and see it all.
Alex is not someone I ever thought I would look at in that way. My life has been surrounded by overly successful women with not a glimpse of reality inside of them, they always yearned for holidays, expensive decor for their homes. A false picture of what life should be like.
It wasn’t that Alex wasn’t my type, I have never wondered about the women at work because as always my focus is my job.

This beautiful woman has caught my eye and I do not want it to distract me, how often is it though somebody grabs your heart with just one look.

Story Time

Alex, time to think about myself – Story continued.

As I wiped the tears from my eyes, It became reality to me that I had become the centre of a joke.
Martin had not messaged me and Lizzie didn’t seem to pay any interest in how I was feeling. When I think of it as a joke, I mean I am the joke. I’ve fallen for bullshit yet again and I will always be that stupid naive girl that deep down wants some kind of miracle in love to happen.

I grew some balls and sent Martin a message on Facebook, heart pounding as usual – Plus the coffee. But once I had sent it I felt a little bit better. If he ignored it, then I would know for sure it was all bullshit and if he replied depending on his answer I could sweep this under the rug.

“You broke your promise Mart!”

It was a big deal for me, my lack of confidence and self belief paid a huge part in my depression and anxiety. I’ve struggled and still struggle to this day to not hate myself.
I spent a lot of my teenager years wishing I wasn’t me, and sometimes I look in the mirror and still wish that very same thing. My head is fucked and that will never change, I’ve always tried to love myself and as the years go on I don’t have the struggle I did when I was 18. But it still exists, and something simple as not feeling wanted by a man always plays a huge factor.

When I was in high school and I had a group of friends, I wasn’t the most popular one and for some reason I happened to be the target of bullying. Lads would call me names, sometimes would make the odd joke at the other girls in my circle but it was not like me.
I was fat, and an ugly panda because I wore black eyeline, so did everyone else. There was a day which I think plays a huge part in my trust with guys, the most popular guy in school. He was a dream but I didn’t have a crush on him, sure he was so good looking and had these piercing blue eyes. But I really didn’t think about boys back then, I was too busy dealing with my own head and worrying about who would pick on me today.
We were lined up outside science class and one of my friends decided to tell me that he liked me and wanted to go out with me, I knew straight away it was a joke and I persisted no. They kept pushing and convinced me in my own little mind that maybe, just maybe he did.
So I said yes, I stood in line looking away and I saw them approach him to tell him. I didn’t make any eye contact but listened to these words “Alex said yes she will go out with you.”
I heard him clearly, “What who’s Alex” – For a moment I knew I was pointed out and already I felt sick as I knew a loud no would roar. Instead I heard the words “Why would I go out with her, look at her she’s disgusting.”
I heard laughter and I tried to drown it out as we walked into class, I really did have to hold myself back from crying and in the background I could here him repeat what he said and make comments about my weight.
I would never forget that day, and never forget that my so called friends made me look like a fucking idiot. Best of it is, the girl who told him was fatter than me. Pot belly pig she was, yet she was so popular. So from then on I never trusted it when a guy told me he liked me or complimented me because I always thought it was part of a joke, let’s make the fat fucking panda look like fool.

“Sorry Alex, was out again yesterday am mega hungover and I’ve forgot the promise.”

Just like that, he forgot. The fact that he used going out the next day an excuse, I think he clearly must of remembered when he woke up on Saturday before going out again. But I totally get it, he played the compassionate male card.
I will listen to her speak, compliment her and take interest in everything she says and maybe I’ll get my leg over and a good shag. But he didn’t get to sleep with me and he never will.
What’s pissed me off the most is that he lied. I hate liars, I can easily forget what happened now I know the truth – You move on from wasting your time with pieces of dust you can just blow away, but he didn’t use honesty.
Is lying to play with someone’s head or to get a fuck still a trend? I thought the 3 date rule came back and people have their genitals on lock and key with a ten thousand digit code to allow the key to even go into the lock.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I read too much into it, I saw something bigger than what it was. He was drunk, I was a female within his company and it is what it is.
At least I don’t need to sweat my vagina off about whether or not a guy will message.
I kind of feel like Cameron Diaz in the Sweetest Thing, she’s totally into someone she met in a club but this time it’s real and Martin is a twat.

Monday morning came around too quickly and I found myself showering at the last minute and rushing to get my hair dry. I always wake up at the right time in the morning for work but I tend to just sit with a cup of tea watching the morning shows on the TV, before you know it I can’t be arsed to get up and end up with another cup of tea and half a dozen cigarettes.

I dried my hair and I wanted to look good today, which meant my eyes and my mirror needed to be nice to me. My make up actually looked good and I was rocking a rose pink lipstick, let’s do this.

Lizzie was already sitting at the desk logging into her emails and typing away smiling at the screen, I spotted Martin doing the exact same. – Were they talking about me?
A sense of paranoia hit me, and I slammed my arse down into my chair. I hated work more than ever today and I felt so uncomfortable, I even felt stupid for putting on a bit of lipstick. Like the whole room was judging me.

“Alex what’s wrong?” Lizzie asked me sounding unconcerned and asked me for the sake of it.

“Nothing, Mondays you know it’s just shit, this place is shit.”

“Yeah i know… So Martins been emailing me, he’s going back to second floor next week.”

“Ah is he now? Well I have to see Benjamin today…..”

“Holy shit really? He’s like one of the biggest bosses. Always sitting in that conference room the lot of them. Fuck knows what they actually do. I know sometimes I see him looking at us all, always judging our work load. But he is so sexy, like seriously.”

“Can’t say I remember his face, so many people here…. So I guess i’ll email him and see when he wants me?”

“I’d give anything Alex to have him want me, I’d break him.”

For what she is, I can’t really dislike Lizzie for very long. Her humour about sex and how carefree she is about it just enlightens me.
Her confidence oozes and she was also once a fat kid, which I think plays a huge part in the way she acts. Lizzie probably felt as shit as most of us people who struggle with our weight or the way we look and now she’s found a new attitude about her looks. So I can’t fault her for wanting to look good or wear certain things, I remember her saying she always has that scared feeling inside incase she ever went back to being over weight. I’ve noticed that she sometimes wouldn’t eat all day at work but pig out at home.
But I can’t justify her actions as the office slut and flirtatious ways.



Subject: Still want to see me?

So what time is best for our meeting?


Subject: Now

Come see me now, I won’t be in my office. Conference room number 3 at the end, next to the one I’m usually in.


“Right Lizzie, he wants to see me now wish me luck.”

As I walked towards the end of the floor towards the ‘elite’ rooms as I like to call them, I could feel Martin look at me for a brief second and look straight back down. He knew exactly what had happened Friday but he has no reason to blank me. Let’s move forward, be friends or at least sociable because as an office regardless of how many floors, our floor is a lot less than the others.
We are with each other 5 days a week and everyone knows one another’s business. In face one girl told her team leader she was pregnant before even telling her husband.

The conference rooms were sleek, glass doors and glass windows looking out into the rest of the world. Each chair was situated around the desks perfectly, conference room 3 where I’d be seeing Ben was a little smaller and ideal for just a few people to have chat.
His usual room with the rest of the bosses had it all. Faster internet, comfier chairs, air con. It was a relaxed room but always looked a scary room to be in.
Sometimes when you walk past you could feel the eyes of a few bosses just glare, as if they are thinking they should sack you. But you kind of always feel like that when your up against the higher uppers as I like to call them.

Ben saw me approach and nodded me in without knocking, I sat awkwardly straight on one if the chairs with my arms on my lap. The table was too cold for my arms to rest and I didn’t want to seem like I was a slop.
What surprised me was that Ben was gorgeous, Lizzie was right. Sometimes her taste was a little off but most of the time she did know a good man when she saw one.
He had green eyes and dark hair, short but some how slicked back. His shirt was white, cliche but no tie and a grey jacket and trousers to compliment.

“Morning Alex, thanks for coming. How are you doing?”

“Well, It’s Monday and my team leader isn’t here today so I feel great.”

“It’s win win then, so have you give any thought about what I have proposed?” He smiled and sat back relaxed, which made me relax and put my arms on the freezing table.

“Yeah and I stand by what I said. I don’t want the job.”

“Before you even say it Alex, Lizzie is not perfect for the job so I don’t want any of that horse shit here. What I want is a good worker that knows her stuff which is you, and I know you hate this place. I know your job sucks and it’s not exciting but you do it well, which is why I think you are ready for another challenge. All the other applicants don’t know shit about working hard and they think something like this is just an easy way to the top for them. But it’s not.”

I couldn’t help but watch his lips move as he spoke, his eyes looked at my eyes looking at his lips.
Why me? What makes me good enough for this job, because I sure as hell won’t take any shit or slave work. I won’t be running up and down photocopying or getting lunches for the stuck up twats next door. So what did this job really entail.

“Will I fetching coffee all pissing day because that’s not me.”

Ben let out a laugh, I looked at the glass door and a few of the office workers looked my way and started to talk. I could imagine it now, ‘why is Alex in the office with Ben?’

“No Alex, you’ll be taking calls for me sometimes, sitting in meetings with us most of the day, taking notes, dealing with my emails. You’ll have a new work email, sometimes I might ask you to come on trips as mentioned, new phone and laptop. We will treat you well.”

“It’s kind of hard for me to imagine myself as your PA. I’ll be so out of touch with the people here, I’d be judged and talked about. What do i tell Lizzie.”

“Why do you care what people think and most certainly Lizzie, she is like the rest of them here. Out for themselves and you need to start thinking the same by stepping up. Stop letting people get ahead of you. We noticed that you suggested if need Lizzie to be the one that goes to the second floor if they needed someone to train or another pair of hands why?”

“Because I want her to succeed. I think she deserves it.”

Ben looked at me with confusion, the last time I saw that face was when I tried to explain to my mother that I wanted to move to America and do acting, and that it would cost me around twenty five grand. I could never read the frowning and confused look on people, which is why it worked so well. It always opened up the question ‘What?’

“Don’t you also think you deserve to succeed, your productivity numbers are exceptional. You could spend an hour pissing around doing nothing and still manage to come out on top. Please Alex, it’s not just me here who agrees you would be great for our team.”

“It’s because I’m ugly isn’t it, let’s be honest. Lizzie won’t get hired because everyone will want to fuck her just like you so by hiring me, boring Alex with nothing about her. Your jobs become easier.”

The room fell silent, I was pretty sure I only said that in my head but for some reason I had this urge to just say it. Knowing I would make myself look like an idiot and I don’t know, get sacked for accusing the directors and partners of wanting to fuck other members of staff.
Sometimes I really don’t understand my own mind, what if I am mentally ill. I must be, only someone crazy would shout shit out like that. You know them ones you see on the street talking to themselves and randomly tell you that your going to die, how many times have they been right?

“I’m a little lost for words, so I’ll try and forget what you’ve just said and that I am a little concerned to as why you talk about Lizzie an awful lot.”

“Because she’s better than me, at everything. I sit next to competition everyday and I’ll never compare to her. She gets given responsibility from team leaders and floor managers and I’ve never been given any of that.”

“Having responsibility from half of those twats out there isn’t something to brag about, stop comparing yourself to other people especially her.” Ben said firmly.

“Well, I it would be nice to be given a chance. I don’t mean to talk about her as much as I do, I love her to bits even though it doesn’t sound like it but I feel like I need to make sure she does well otherwise I feel bad.”

“Okay Alex, here is what I will say. I am one of the directors here, do you really think, and I mean think about this. That I would be sitting here with you, asking you to work in our team. I want you, we want you that bad I will quite happily beg in the middle of the floor for all to see and I very much doubt you would want to see me embarrass myself like that.”

“I wouldn’t mind seeing that though, so you may have to beg.”

Ben laughed and I laughed with him, I felt happy. Unusually happy, I mean I’ve never sat with a boss like this before talking about how I feel. Is that suppose to happen, is that how you create positive morale by being an ear for your employees. I’ve been wanting to tell someone like a team leader the way I felt for a long time but everyone was tightly knit that I knew my words would spread like the plague.
He listened, understood and reassured me and he wasn’t even drunk.

“Does this mean you will take my offer? I can always just give you little things to do before fully committing. So you can stay put for now and will move things slowly, let you adjust. Being a PA isn’t an easy job.”

“I guess I am saying yes… If I don’t like it though, can I just go back to what I’m doing now?”

“I’m pretty sure it won’t come to that but sure. I don’t want to be rude but I have a meeting and so I will email you and we’ll keep in touch.”

We both got up and he shook my hand, my palms were so sweaty I am pretty sure that he pulled that face of disgust. He opened the door for me like a true gentleman and said goodbye, people stared as I walked back to my desk and clearly some had already had a good gossip about me.
For once I was the talk of the floor and it wasn’t me trying to get in on people’s shit.
Lizzie smiled and Martin for some reason had decided to join us on our row of desks to work. I don’t see why but my guess is to get closer to Lizzie so they can go about their day
Ben’s eyes would not be forgotten and I found myself feeling a little excited in working with him and the rest of the big ones.
It was going to be scary and out of my comfort zone, I’m pretty sure the CEO’s have their own jargon and talk about the stock markets or some other bullshit. Oh look at me and my new tie, look at the stock market I invested in, it’s down.
The only only thing I wasn’t looking forward to was people knowing about my new venture, I could hear the voices now ‘She doesn’t deserve that job’

When a chance comes along, the correct advice is to take it. Eat it up and if you fail, fuck it. More doors will open.
Which is exactly what I am going to do, the people I see more times a year piss me off. I dislike most folk here, I am the works shadow. I am the shadow of the world If I really did have to compare but this time, I don’t want to be.
Seriously, I’ve just been offered a new job that’s a little scary and I don’t know what the hell I will be doing but me, Alex the panda will be important. So eat that up with your cheap ass ice cream and no chocolate sauce.

“So.. Are you going to say what it was all about?” Lizzie wanted to know because I think deep down she may of gotten an idea that it was all good news.

“You are looking at Ben’s new PA. He offered, I accepted.”

And just like that, I shut her up. I shocked Martin who looked like he had just taken the biggest shit of his life and was about to take photo’s for world record proof.

I smiled and didn’t stop, but not only because I finally felt like I owned myself. but an email from Ben had popped up.


Subject: Welcome aboard

Coffee, milk no sugar. Also what would you recommend for lunch? Just kidding 🙂

Your are really helping me out, so I cannot thank you enough for this. I will be in touch during the week and you can meet the rest of the partners and directors, I know you are my PA but just to let you know from time to time the other guys might need assistance when they are at this branch as most of their PA’s are back at home or wherever they are needed.

Will meet with you in the week and keep in touch via email, I’ll get everything set up for you.

Speak soon


(Don’t doubt yourself, I believe in you!)

And with one encouraging email, made my day. My job behind a desk with a bunch of idiots is over, my new job sitting behind a desk with an over paid boss with the most precious eyes and arse and everything else is about to begin.

“I applied for that job and not one bastard here has even given me a response. I am happy for you but how bloody rude.”

“Agreed Lizzie.”- Martin decided to pipe up and have his opinion, his stance and attitude around me was uncomfortable and I almost felt as though I had just made two enemies.

“I wasn’t expecting it guys, I thought I was getting the sack… Maybe you could email HR and see why the never got to respond.”

“Well Alex, I hope you enjoy your new job and leaving us lot here. What will I do without my bitch?”

“Aww Liz, don’t worry maybe I can put in a good word for you if anything else ever popped up.”

Lizzie smiles and said thanks, she looked at Martin who clearly has been on her side from day one. I didn’t expect a party but I really did think they would be happier for me, not so much Martin as I know he’s not really arsed about anything but himself.
I can’t believe I had a crush on him, I look at him now and I think what a prick. If he really doesn’t remember anything about that night then I am kind of glad. I’m so over that shit, him and Lizzie make the perfect vindictive couple if she wasn’t married.

The rest of the week went so slow, I checked my emails constantly to see if I will be leaving this crappy desk job. Lizzie could tell I was eager to leave, which didn’t make my mood any better with her distant attitude towards me and her coffee breaks alone. I felt as though I had done something wrong but for the first time since working here, I am actually looking out for my own interests. I really want to smooth things over or do something with this tension, I don’t want her to hate me. Who would I turn to if things went wrong? Friends pick each other up like the many of times I’ve had to listen to her marriage problems and how they have split up and five hours later they are okay again.

“Lizzie are you pissed off with me?”

“No, why?”

“You’re being really off with me and I aren’t paranoid…. Please be honest with me.”

“Just a little annoyed I didn’t get that job, and you keep sitting all smug about it. Plus shit with David.” – She looked at me with sad eyes but still managed to look angry at me.

“Mate, I aren’t smug I just feel happy for once you know the shit I’ve put up with here. Why not tell me about David, I’m here always. Whats going on?”

As she looked at me tears streamed down her face and I could tell she didn’t want to cry. Her face turned to the computer so nobody could see her cry and she wiped away little specks of mascara from under her eyes.

“I’m so sorry Alex I am such a bitch, I hate myself for being like this.. Oh its all going wrong. Someone messaged David with a fake account and told him I had been sleeping around at work. It took me ages to convince him that it wasn’t true. No way was I going to tell him, It would tear us apart. I have made such a fucking mess of things I don’t like feeling happy about being here and enjoying the attention, I hate that I don’t feel guilty. It’s just I’ve been with David since we were teenagers and this Is my first real job as a mother and working with people. I am making friends and he doesn’t like it. Its a mess.. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

I looked at her for a second, I felt so much guilt inside of me for judging her the way I have. Of course she’s going to feel happy that she’s not stuck at home all day with a child. She is free and earning money liker her husband, Lizzie has a place in society again.
But I can’t feel sympathy for the cheating because no matter how unhappy you are with the person you love, hurting them Is never the answer. Self destruction is never the answer.
I want to hug her but people would know something was wrong, and Lizzie doesn’t like to be the one that cries on the floor – A bit like me, hard as nails on the surface.
I can only offer her support and advice the best way I can, though most of the time I feel like I never make a difference. I don’t have kids and I am not married, I’ve never experienced those difficult times within a marriage and lack of confidence that some parents have after giving birth.

“Shit who could it be, it must be someone that works here to know about the stuff that’s happened. Never feel bad about being happy, your making money. Working hard and earning your way, David should be proud. He’s probably finding it hard because he’s a man, they like to be the ones that can afford everything for their wives and don’t forget he’s probably gotten used to you being at home with your daughter. But you’ve been here a while now so he shouldn’t still feel like that but then I don’t know it must feel at all.”

“Your right Alex, he just doesn’t get that I like to enjoy myself. If I talk to him it just turns into an argument and we just go round in circles. As for the fuckers that messaged him, I will find out who it is. I feel even more shit for treating you like this, how about just me and you have a few drinks on Friday. It’s always a laugh with just us.”

“I can always snoop around see if i hear anything about it, I can agree with drinks as long as you buy me one but you have to promise to sit down with David and make things okay.”

“I promise. I love you my boo boo.” – Lizzie hugged me and we laughed feeling a little better about everything. Though her problems haven’t gone away, a good talk and a hug always works.

I know when Friday comes it won’t be just me and her at the pub, someone will hear the word drinks and tag along. Which I don’t mind because it will probably be my last one for while.

Though I really was hoping to just sit in the dark at home with pizza and beer, stroking my cat.

The email I had been waiting for had finally arrived, was this job really any better than this? I would still be working under the corporate arse holes and have to do whatever they tell me. What for extra pay and some new gadgets. Though I won’t have to deal with floor managers or team leaders, which was never actually fun. They are the people that cause you to lose your self worth, half of them don’t know the job you actually do in hand but they know how to fucking boss you around and give you grief if a mistake comes back.
No more fake team parties for peoples birthday or the Christmas do where I have to pretend I like my team leader and put up with the other people in the team that I don’t even speak to.
Not forgetting, I won’t need to give money towards gifts because let’s be honest here. We don’t want to spend money on those we barely know, even if you do share a lot with your co workers, our money is ours only. Store bought cakes and a few sweets to go around is enough.


Subject: Thursday meeting

Hello Alex, can you pop into the conference room Thursday morning. No need to sit down just come straight to me. You might be with us up until after lunch, maybe all day. I will be going through your new contract and some things that I want to show you about the job itself.
A few of the directors will be in the room as well but take no notice of them as they will be in an out probably taking calls. All the other rooms seem to be busy for training but I thought it would be nice for you to meet them anyway.

If you could possibly dress a little bit smarter. I know the office is smart/casual but we like to make sure we are professional at all times, especially if we need to head out for meetings during lunch.
I won’t be here now until Thursday but you can email me any time with any questions.

Friday, I’d like you to join me in a meeting downstairs (The conference rooms on the ground floor) they are potential investors for us to be able to branch in the U.S which will lead to more partners but more will be discussed about this on Thursday.

Enjoy the rest of your week and I look forward to seeing you soon


(Wear your hair down.)